One day while I was walking my dog on the dirt road we lived on, we came around a corner and approached a pasture full of full-grown cows and one calf. As my dog and I neared where they were standing each one of those cows came towards us, in front of the calf, protecting the baby as a herd.

 

Another time while I was out walking along nearby Lake Dunmore, there were two geese and their baby goslings on the grass next to the water. As I passed by them one of the parents charged me hissing and flapping its wings, protecting its young, while its mate led the tiny goslings into the water and away from the perceived danger. My superior size did not matter or intimidate the goose. Nor did the potential danger to its own life deter the bird from acting instinctively.

 

The creature was willing to sacrifice itself to ensure the welfare of its offspring.

 

Why don’t we humans act more like the animals when it comes to protecting our young?

 

Self-Protection

When the detective investigating my case confronted the perpetrator of my childhood sexual assault, he denied it even though the children now at risk are his own flesh and blood.

 

“Many suspected perpetrators will never admit responsibility.” (Source: signsofsafety.net) The reason perpetrators lie when it comes to sexual abuse is quite obvious. “The alleged abuser is likely to protect themselves from arrest and alienation by doing everything possible to prevent the child from disclosing the abuse, and others from believing the abuse occurred.” (Source: cspm.csyw.qld.gov.au)

 

Have human beings become so selfish that we will abandon natural instincts to protect the young for our own self interests?

 

According to Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD, a Clinical Psychologist with over 40 years in the field, “Abusers tend to have what we call “Personality Disorders”. An individual with a Personality Disorder doesn’t operate by the same logic, feelings, or needs as healthy individuals.” (Source: askthepsych.com)

 

According to the doctor, a person with a Personality Disorder feels no guilt, remorse or responsibility for their actions. They have “had practice with the look-you-in-the-eye denial — they’ve used it with police, child protective agencies, relatives, concerned school professionals, etc. A Personality Disorder is only interested in their welfare and have no boundaries when it comes to lying their way out of a confrontation or legal jam.”

 

This has been the perpetrators modus operandi all along.

 

Denial

In the beginning, even I was in denial.

 

After unexpectedly encountering my abuser in the fall of 2008, twenty-seven years after the childhood sexual assault had occurred, I immediately got into my car and drove away from him. “The average victim takes 24 years to reveal their secret.” (Source: theguardian.com) Ending up in my father’s driveway, I parked in front of his garage. By the time I pulled in there, which is only a couple of miles from where I had seen the perpetrator, I was bawling.

 

Armed with only a pen and a few business cards from my photography and craft endeavor, I wrote the perpetrator a message on the back of one. There were 3 lines:

 

 

“I remember what you did.

I didn’t keep it a secret.

Good luck with that.”

 

I must have been out of my mind.  It was the middle of the day and I didn’t even look around to see if anyone was watching me as I stepped out of my car and headed across the street to where the perpetrator resided.  I knew where he was, I had just left him, and that was good enough for me as I slipped the 2 x 3 ½ inch card into the screen window of his white aluminum front door.

 

Then I ran.

 

Stepping off of the grass of the perp’s front lawn and onto the tar as I headed back across the road toward my father’s I was shaking and crying so hard I recall looking down at my feet certain that I was going to shake right out of my flip flops. Just as I reached my vehicle, my father walked around the back bumper towards me, seemingly from out of nowhere.  He had seen the whole thing.

 

“You got a problem with #@% ?”  Dad asked.

 

“No Dad.”  I lied as I had been taught to lie (about the abuse when I was a child).  “He never did anything to me.”

 

At that time, there were no small children in our family who had contact with the perpetrator.

 

Carrying on a Family Tradition

When the detective tried to speak with the father of the children who are now living with the perpetrator, she said, he was “uncooperative”.

 

“When sexual abuse occurs, family members may side with those who abuse instead of the survivor.” This happens far more frequently than most of us would want to believe. No one wants to believe it is true. Nor do we want to admit we know a person who sexually abuses. (Source: psychcentral.com)

 

“People who sexually abuse are not just shadowy figures in dark alleys,” says licensed psychotherapist, Amber Robinson. “They are hidden in our family, neighbors, colleagues, and friends. It’s unfathomable to many of us that our loved one could commit such an egregious act. However, many do.” (Source: psychcentral.com) 34% of perpetrators are relatives. 59% are acquaintances. (Source: rainn.org)

 

The victim knows the perpetrator in 93% of the cases!

 

 

If the children I wish to protect had been born into our family and we were animals, we would stand, united, between them and danger. And we would do it fearlessly.

 

But, “when a family determinedly deny the allegations, professionals feel powerless and these cases frequently become mired in intense professional-family mistrust and dispute.” (Source: signsofsafety.net)

 

When acknowledgment is viewed as the solution, denial of the past sexual abuse presents a challenge.

 

The Resolutions Approach

In the Resolutions Approach, “denial” is viewed as a continuum of behaviors. Rather than wasting precious time, valuable resources and energy disputing what has happened, the Resolution Approach takes “a position that the family and Child Safety can operate from different sources of truth, so long as there is agreement that the future safety of the children is a shared goal.”

 

 

An unlikely admission of guilt from the perpetrator is set aside, getting beyond the wall of denial, and future child safety becomes the focus.

 

“It is possible to safety plan in cases where the alleged abuser is denying the allegations, and where the parent does not believe fully, or is unsure about whether their child has been abused.” (Source: cspm.csyw.qld.gov.au)

 

Using the families desire to shed their lives of child protection officers, they are given an opportunity to prove they “can function in a manner that both displays transparent safety for the children and creates a context where the alleged perpetrator does not place him/herself in situations where further allegations or misunderstandings could arise.”

 

The radical “Resolutions” model was created by English family therapists and appears to be used worldwide. For more information, click here.