I learned the word touch at school when our educators showed us a film with a cartoon mouse named Penelope who taught us that it was okay to say ‘No’ and told us to run away and tell an adult. Unfortunately, this is where my knowledge and vocabulary ended. I had no words to describe what had happened to me other than the word touch.

 

It might be hard to imagine a nine-year-old being that innocent these days, but in the 80s we led sheltered lives. We had no internet, no cell phones and there only three network television stations. Whatever we learned, we learned in school, in church or at home. I never went to daycare or had babysitters other than family.

 

I tried to tell my teacher right away that something had happened to me as the film had instructed us to do. But I had no way of communicating the details.

 

I was taken to the guidance councilor’s office. Behind a closed door, the guidance counselor sat in a chair with what looked like a clipboard in her lap, I on a bean bag chair on the floor, and she waited. All I remember is silence.

 

I do not recall saying one word to her. Nobody gave me a doll for demonstration.

 

Eventually, the door of the guidance councilor’s office was opened from the outside. I don’t remember who was at the door, only the dark figure of a person holding the door open, similar to silhouettes shapes we had cut out of ourselves on black construction paper at school in an art project.

 

I remember hearing the phrase, “nothing yet.” And I was sent back to my classroom.

 

That was the end of the school’s involvement.

 

It was a dead end, no help provided.

 

Touch, Words and Communication Need to be Taught and Understood

 

What strikes me as funny, not funny ha-ha, but funny as in odd today as I write this is how I─ a nine or ten-year-old child─ was able to understood my educators, the film and its implied message, but my educators did not understand me. Nor, did they seem to understand the promise that was implied, that if I told something would happen.

 

This speaks volumes to the value of continued education and the fact that we all must keep on learning no matter how old we get or how wise we think we are. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

 

Often, a child will not “tell” directly. An adult must learn about children’s communications skills and styles in order to listen, not just to the words that a child uses, but one must to be able to hear their silence.

 

Children are extremely loyal to the people who raise them, who often times are the very same people who hurt them. Ninety percent of the time children know their abusers because the abuser is close to the child and the child’s family. 90 %.

 

That means ninety out of one hundred children has to “tattle” on family.

 

Now, you may not remember this about being a child, but not tattling is pretty deeply ingrained in their society. For me, until recently, I thought this was perhaps a generational thing. But upon working with teenagers at my last job, I realized this is still the prevailing theme among youth when a young coworker refused to come forward about a problem at work because she wasn’t “going to be a snitch.”

 

This societal norm is a strong motivator to remain silent. Now add on top of that a threat which may have been made by the abuser if the child does tell, or a promise the child may have made to the abuser to keep the abuse a secret. It is of little wonder why a child will not always be direct, but may offer “clues” in order to prompt questions. This way the child is not technically “telling,” but answering questions, which absolves them of guilt.

 

Children really are pretty clever little beings; their only problem is getting you to take notice of their hints and pay attention. Then it is up to you to ask the right questions.

 

Some examples of clues are:

• Saying things that are likely to provoke a conversation about sexual issues.
• Saying something like, “I know somebody who has a touching problem.”
• Revealing that they have or that they know a “secret,” but refusing to tell you what the secret is.
• Telling you about a “friend” to gauge your reaction or see what your advice might be.
• Using sexual language inappropriate for their age.
• Talking about a new older friend.
• Saying they are (or acting) afraid of a certain person or going to that person’s home.

 

There are a lot of non-verbal clues also, but I feel like that should be a separate blog post. If you know a child you suspect is being abused and are anxious to get to those now, check out Tip Sheet: Warning Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse In A Child’s Behaviors | Stop It Now for more information. Please, stop reading this and take care of the child first.

 

To demonstrate how deeply ingrained this fear of “telling” is in me, the morning after my last blog post I woke up to a panic attack. What had I done? First, I revealed an injustice at work, thereby telling on my employer. And secondly, I had tattled on myself too. I had revealed my disability. Even though I had already shared it with my readers in my bio, it felt irrelevant at that time because I was working. Now, once again unemployed, my disability a shame, this is my biggest secret.

 

I quickly mentally scrolled through my list of subscribers to see who I had revealed my secret to. Was there anyone who didn’t already know? Was there anyone who might tell my employer what I had done? Guilt took over. And while I feel compelled to have an honest discussion with my former employer about what had happened, I also lack the capacity to have that conversation right now.

 

I hope this is something I will circle back to when I am feeling better. But for now, I have all I can do to take care of myself and write this blog. (In case you haven’t noticed, this post is late. My goal for Child Abuse Prevention Month is to post each blog one week apart, plus or minus a day. As I type this, it has been ten days so far and I still haven’t posted.)

 

Update on Progress With My Family

 

Having Monday off due to my illness was a blessing in disguise. I got to spend time with the children I long to protect. We went for a walk and then played in the yard with their mother, my mother and the dogs. During our walk, I tentatively introduced the children’s mother to the fact that it is child abuse prevention month and invited her and the children to help me plant a pinwheel garden when and if I can get them. (My next step.)

 

Pinwheels have been a symbol of child abuse prevention since 2008. Often blue in color, the official color of childhood abuse prevention, pinwheels are thought to represent the playfulness, joy and whimsy of childhood. The type of experience every child should have. Pinwheel gardens are planted, often times at schools, businesses and child advocacy centers, to serve as a reminder that we all play a role in preventing child abuse and neglect.

 

Baby steps yes, but each one is worth taking growing in the knowledge of how we can each protect children. More on this next week. For now, stay safe, stay loving, and keep taking these baby steps towards a better future for the next generation. Namaste.