I can’t remember how many Christmases my brother would pull an Irish exit after our older sister had done or said something to upset him. He would abruptly leap up, gather his family’s belongings and toss them into their vehicle while his wife frantically dressed their two young children in winter coats. Then in a matter of minutes the four would headed back to New York right in the middle of our Vermont family holiday festivities. Until eventually, they stopped coming at all.

 

Back then, I could see what was happening, but I did not know the terms for what had occurred or the spiritual enlightenment of my brother’s method of departure.

 

Now, it obvious to me that our elder sibling had triggered my brother into what may have appeared to be a rude departure. However, understanding the people and the situation as I do now, I can clearly see my brother’s Irish exit as a sign of emotional intelligence.

 

Rather than ruining the holiday festivities for everyone else around him by reacting negatively to my sister’s (what often times seemed like purposeful) prompting, my brother took the high road. He bit his tongue, held back his anger and exited without expressing what he was thinking or feeling.

 

Scenarios like this can often make Christmastime and holiday gatherings difficult. Both for the persons being triggered, those impacted by reactions (silent or not) ─like when your ride leaves the party early─ and for loved ones witnessing what transpires.

 

Individuals show up not only with packages and gifts, but with emotional baggage also. While this is true in most any circumstance wherever two or more are gathered, situations can become particularly volatile when there is a shared history of abuse. Especially between an abuser and an abusee.

 

What may seem like casual interactions can be triggers for certain individuals.

 

Holiday Ruiners (A.K.A Party Poopers)

 

Some people simply appear to be what I call a straight up holiday ruiner. Seemingly just plain old mean, purposeful or not, these types of characters can be perceived to be determined to ruin Christmas.

 

Whether it is by watching misunderstandings unfold between other people we care for or being involved in the misunderstanding ourselves, holiday gatherings can become stress filled and disappointing affairs.

 

For bystanders, often the best and socially responsible thing to do is not “get involved”. Because, let’s face it, frequently most of the parties involved in these scenarios are “adults”.  This can leave many persons, not only the persons involved, feeling helpless, sorrowful, vacant and lost. No matter how old we are, who doesn’t want to stick up for their brother? Particularly when the other character involved is the spiritual family bully.

 

Witnessing something uncomfortable or “bad” happen and not being able to *”do something”, frequently go hand and hand. Especially in the heat of the moment.

 

* Quote from my forthcoming Memoir

 

Good News!

 

While party poopers may, however intentional or unintentional, appear to desire to lay waste to holiday festivities, this does not mean that they have the power to destroy traditions or the love others share for one another.

 

Witnessing or being the recipient of cruelty can be emotionally draining, but there may come a time afterwards once all parties involved calm down when the occurrence will be able to be discussed and resolved in a rational manner. No matter what transpires at Christmastime, there is always hope for a better New Year’s celebration.

 

One can learn to handle and navigate their own feelings and emotional responses.

 

For example, not unlike my older brother did years ago, we each have the freedom to pull an Irish exit when necessary. Not spoiling festivities for anyone else or letting them be ruined for ourselves is our choice. It is not rude to make an early and silent departure; it is a sign of emotional intelligence.

 

Our personal freedom is to be happy, calm and peaceful. Our joy at times is not becoming a holiday ruiner. When we each do our part by taking emotional responsibility for ourselves, it helps to ensure social gatherings are more pleasurable for others as well.

 

What better time to spread joy than Christmas and New Year? Even if this means not attending certain gatherings, leaving the festivities early or “forgetting” to invite certain notorious party poopers when one is hosting.

 

Self-Care

Festivities can be physically exhausting as well as mentally, spiritually or emotionally depleting. Knowing who and what to expect at certain gatherings takes experience. One of the joys of becoming an adult is getting to choose who we spend our holidays with.

 

Eliminating unhealthy and unkind characters from celebrations may not only become necessary over the years, it is wise. Setting boundaries is an important form of self-care. Connection with others, however, is an important part of resilience. One needs to strike a balance between self-protection and connection.

 

Five examples of healthy relationship boundaries (Source: betterup.com):

1. Expecting others to communicate during disagreements with maturity and respect
2. Letting go of codependency and having your own identity (independence)
3. Asking for personal space and quiet when needed
4. Voicing your concerns rather than holding onto resentment
5. Leaving the situation when someone is communicating disrespectfully with you

 

More on healthy boundaries in the future.

 

Characteristics of Resilience (Source: verywellmind.com):

• A survivor mentality: Resilient people view themselves as survivors. We know that even when things are difficult, we will make it through.
• Effective emotional regulation: An ability to manage emotions in the face of stress.² This doesn’t mean that resilient people don’t experience strong emotions. It means that they recognize feelings are temporary.
• Feeling in control: Resilient people tend to have a strong internal locus of control and feel they can play a part in the outcome of events.
• Problem-solving skills: Resilient people look at a situation rationally and try to come up with solutions that will make a difference.
• Self-compassion: Resilient people treat themselves with kindness, especially when things are hard.
• Social support: Having a solid network of supportive people is important. Resilient people know when they need to ask for help.

 

Chosen Family

When family members one would like to spend the holidays with live too distant geographically to do so, or may have other commitments, the concept of “chosen family” becomes important. One needs a sense of community to be resilient.

 

There are plenty of enjoyable, lovely people in the world and in our neighborhoods. When necessary, one can build a supportive group of people to share time with.

 

This year, I invited friends and neighbors who happened to also be spending Christmas day alone to join my mother and I for a holiday celebration. It went even better than I hoped. We spent the afternoon and evening enjoying a holiday feast and each other’s company, no party poopers in sight. It was delightful.

 

As it happens, many of us had spent Thanksgiving together as well, making them my chosen family.

 

New Traditions, New Year

Hindsight is, as they say, 20/20. Since Covid, there are not nearly as many in person activities and social gatherings as there once one. It seems this decade may be the perfect time to look back and make changes as we move onward. In doing so, perhaps our collective journeys will become easier and more pleasurable in future times.

 

For New Year’s, friends came from afar to spend the weekend. They happen to be the same friends I spent last New Year with. Only last year, I was the one who traveled to their location. Perhaps this too will become a new tradition.

 

I happened to be leading worship on New Year’s Day at two area churches. My girlfriends, my mother and I enjoyed two hours of worship. Then we went for a walk. The weather is currently unseasonably warm here in Vermont, which made for an even nicer stroll than one might anticipate this year.

 

 

Then, we smudged ourselves and home with holy wood purifying our space and energy to start the new year. All in all, it was a very spiritually healthy holiday season with chosen family. I hope it was for all of my readers as well.

 

Namaste. May you know peace, may you know joy and may you know love all throughout the coming year. Peace. Peace. Peace.

 

Happy New Year!